Feeling like a crash test dummy
You know that feeling when you’re just crashing over and over again and no matter how many times you crash it just keeps happening? That’s where I am right about now. My whole life has felt like a test… and I keep getting an F. I can’t remember a single year of my life where something monumental or life-changing or devastating didn’t happen. You’d think that eventually the universe would give me a break, but it hasn’t happened yet.
Now, you might be reading this going, “But, Danielle, everyone has hard times. No one’s life is perfect.” This is true. Not one person on this planet has a perfect life and if they claim to then, well… they’re full of shit. But some people just seem to constantly get the bad end of things and I’ve always felt like one of those people. It seems like no matter what I do, I can’t seem to ever catch a break. For the longest time my biggest problem was work but now I finally have a job that I enjoy. For 9 years I was involved with a person who did nothing but beat me down constantly. I’m 3 years free from that situation and (mostly) healed from it, but PTSD is a nasty bitch who likes to creep up on me now and then.
So, again, you’re probably thinking, “Then what do you really have to complain about? You like your job, you’re no longer in an abusive marriage, you live in the best city in the world, and have awesome friends. What could possibly be so bad?!”
That’s the problem right there…
For the first time in my life, all of the outside factors that would normally be bringing me down have finally fallen into place. I love where I live (though some neighbors in my building leave a lot to be desired), I like my job and coworkers, I really do have amazing friends (some of whom I still question every day why they’re friends with me)… things aren’t terrible. But now that all of those previous outside factors have mostly disappeared, the only thing left is… me.
I am 100% completely fully aware of just how messed up I really am. Yes, I’ve been through about 10 people’s worth of trauma in my 37 years on this planet and it’s more than a lot of people would probably be able to handle, but what that’s done is make me this person who people expect to be able to get through anything. A friend shared this the other day and it really resonated with me:
Yes, most days I am able to pull myself up and remember how far I’ve come. But then there are days where it all falls apart, where I feel like the universe is against me and no matter what I do, I can never make it stop. I’ll think, “Ok, it’s just 1 day. We just have to get through this 1 day,” but that 1 day turns into 2, turns into 5, turns into a week, a month, 3 months and before I know it I’m deep in a hole with absolutely no way to get out. If I had asked for help when I first fell into the hole, people would have been able to hear me, but now I’m so far down that no matter how loud I scream my voice barely registers any more than a whisper.
A year ago, a friend called me a “scrappy ass survivor”. I liked the idea of that even though the word “survivor” has been a hard one for me to swallow. 2 weeks ago, I got the phrase tattooed on my ankle.
It’s in a perfect spot to remind myself when I need it and I’ve even had another friend recently yell “look at your ankle” as a way to try and pull me away from the ledge. But trying to live the “scrappy ass survivor” life also makes me feel like a failure when I struggle. I feel like I can’t reach out for help because people expect me to be ok. I feel like I have to handle everything on my own because “look at all you’ve been through” rings in my head. It’s hard for me to remember that there are people who truly care and want to be there for me because that’s such a new concept it’s hard to wrap my head around it.
I’m still struggling even as I write this and I’m in such a deep depression right now I’m actually surprised I was able to get words out at all. But this morning I woke up with a song in my head that gave me hope. If you’re someone like me who hears music and an inner monologue then you know the idea of waking up with a new song in your head every single day. Maybe it was the last thing you listened to before you went to bed. Or maybe you’ve been listening to the same album too many times and the songs just live in your brain now. Whatever the case, sometimes it happens where it feels like I’m being given a sign that I didn’t even ask for.
What was my brain’s song of choice this morning?
Wait For It
“If there’s a reason I’m still alive when so many have died, then I’m willing to wait for it…”
- Danielle
