Letting people in
In one of my early posts at the start of this blogging journey, I posed a question: What does depression look like? I then went on to describe what depression looks like in me and what people tend to perceive depression to be and so on. I think using this platform early on to talk openly and candidly about my mental health has really helped to share my personal experience in a very transparent way. I’ve been really open about my struggles and even if no one really reads these posts, like I said in my very first blog in October 2019, it exists as a “living memoir” of where I am at any given time.
So where am I right now? I am fighting a nasty bought of depression and just trying to make it through one day at a time. Yes that may sound cliche, but sometimes you have to think of things in steps. “Ok, I have to get up and brush my teeth. Then I’ll eat breakfast. Then I’ll get work done, eat lunch, read a book, take a nap…” etc etc etc. When the depression is this bad, I can’t think about what may or may not happen tomorrow, this weekend, next week, next month, 2 months from now, a year from now… it becomes too much and ends up feeling more like a crushing weight than things to look forward to.
This time last week I was at my absolute worst. I was having a lot of self-harm thoughts fueled by so much self-hatred I was chewing myself out multiple times a day. It built up so much that by the time I had therapy last Wednesday, I spent most of the 45 minutes crying and calling myself a failure. She and I came up with a plan to deal with the immediate issues (and I recruited a friend to help out as well), but it was feeling hopeless. Then something unexpected happened…
While on a weekly Zoom with fellow FLSA community members for some playtime, I spoke openly about how I was simply feeling broken. I’m always upfront with how I’m feeling so I didn’t think anyone would notice anything different, but a few people did. I started receiving messages from people asking me if I was ok. People started texting me afterwards to check in on me. Over the last few days I’ve felt more support than I have in my entire life and not because I asked for it, but actually because I hadn’t. I went so long without asking for help that my depression became completely visible and made people reach out to me.
Let me drill home that this is not the way that things should be. You should never let your depression go so long without asking for help that people can read it on your face and start to worry. Ask for help. Reach out. Yes everyone is going through stuff but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last week it’s that people really do care. They want to be there for you if you’ll let them. If I had reached out a month ago, then I wouldn’t have hurt myself a week ago. It’s that simple… and that complicated. Trust me, I’m not the reach out person. I’ve spent the majority of my life waiting for people to leave when it got to hard or hearing “get over it” when trying to talk about my problems. Now I’m getting “hey just checking in” texts from people because they care and want me to be ok.
This shift is something I’m trying to adjust to and allow, for lack of better words. I’m not used to it. I’m not used to people wanting to help me and be willing to. I’m finding myself getting defensive when people try to give advice because my brain automatically goes, “They’re trying to fix you because you’re broken. They want you fixed because you’re no good to them like this.” Logically I know that’s not the case, but depression brain tends to win out over logic most days. What ends up happening when these interactions occur is that the next day, or maybe a few days afterwards, I feel like shit for having lashed out and I’m compelled to apologize. The apologies then turn into long rambling self-hatred “I suck at everything” rants and the cycle starts all over again. This kind of depression is like being on a hamster wheel but your foot is stuck. You can’t run in place and the wheel keeps going around… with you attached to it.
What’s the solution then? How do we break the cycle, get unstuck from the wheel, and find a way to ease some of the tension?
By taking each day, hour, minute as it comes. By saying to people, “I’m not in the right place to be having this conversation right now,” and setting those boundaries. By allowing people in to help you and trusting that they really, truly, do care without having ulterior motives. By understanding that there is no such thing as perfection and that you are, in fact, a flawed human being… and that’s ok! You… are… OK!
If you’re like me and struggling right now, know that I see and hear you. If you’re having trouble reaching out, try and find one person that you can confide in. Maybe it’s a parent or a sibling or a cousin, a friend, an acquaintance… hell, even a stranger! Writing things down on paper can help sometimes too, or even talking to a pet when all else fails, but I’ve found that when you actually say words out loud to another living breathing human being it opens something up inside you. It’s like the plug on the drain is pulled and all these emotions come pouring out. For me, the pulling of the drain plug almost always results in hours of crying… and there’s nothing wrong with that! It’s a release and that’s what you need when everything is bottled up because if you don’t get it, you may just explode.
If I was able to find people to battle in my corner with me, you can too. And if I was able to accept help from other people, you can too!
People love you and want to be there.
Let them.
- Danielle
