Recently I was interviewed by a friend who’s starting a new podcast. The conversation was flowing really well and she was asking some insightful questions. Then she said something that really struck me…

Backstory: 11 years ago we did a show together. We were in a local community production of Rent and while I loved performing, it wasn’t a great time for me. This is highlighted in my book so I won’t go into too much detail, but let’s just say that my ex wasn’t pleased I was doing the show and he made that clear every chance he got. That made it very difficult for me to fully enjoy myself. This translated into how I behaved around the rest of the cast.

Over the course of the next 8 years I was more and more defeated from the abuse and by the time I left the relationship in 2018 I was a shell. During the last 3 years I’ve patched up that shell and started to fill it with the true essence of the real me. Which is why when my friend said, “When we did Rent you always seemed so shy and now you’re full of confidence,” I was a little taken aback because I don’t think of myself as confident, but then I started to think about where I was at that time in my life and just how much I’ve grown since then.

11 years ago I was 26, still living at home, and jumping around temp jobs trying to pay my bills while feeding myself on $1 a day. I was severely over-medicated and in a constant on again/off again with my ex. My life, you could say, was in turmoil. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. None of the real abuse had begun yet, but I’d been dealing with mind games for almost a year which was really starting to take a toll on me.

Flash forward to today and I’m 37, living in the craziest city in the world, and while I have depressive episodes here and there, I’ve truly never been happier. I have friends I love and cherish deeply. I have a home that’s really a home that I built from practically nothing. And, yeah, I finally have confidence. I didn’t really even realize it until she said it, but it’s true. It’s not just in the way I conduct myself which, alone, shows such a difference from even 3 years ago, but it’s in how I hold myself. Even on days where I beat myself down for the extra weight I’ve put on in the last year, I can still find something positive to say to myself at the same time.

Maybe it’s just my overly positive attitude that has finally done the trick, but I think it’s more than that. I think the entire process of writing the book and saying to the world, “Here’s my whole story. Enjoy!” gave me permission to be 100% myself without hiding anymore. I’ve always been an open book, but now I have a literal book so it changed the way the world saw me and, in turn, how I saw myself. I used to cringe when people who call me “strong” but now I can look back over my life and say, “Well, shit! Look at what you’ve been through and you’re still here!” The word “strong” is still tough, but I’m getting there.

It’s a weird feeling, honestly, to finally be able to say that I have confidence. For the majority of my life I sought the approval from so many, even changing how I behaved depending on who I was with. I went through a “I don’t care what people think” phase, but looking back I think that was just something I told myself so that my ex’s words wouldn’t hurt so much. Now, though, I think I can fully say that I am confident in who I am. Not everyone is going to like me and that’s ok because I like me.

At the end of the day, isn’t that all that matters?

- Danielle

An 11 year journey to confidence

Saying goodbye

Love what you love