Sleep, perchance to dream
Like almost everyone I know, this past week has been a bit crazy. I didn’t think it was possible to cry from frustration, sadness, fear, joy, and relief all in one week. My election anxiety has been so high over the last month, that I already hadn’t been sleeping well. Then the results were delayed as every single one was counted (GOOD!) and I didn’t want to be blindsided, so I was glued to the television all week… only taking small naps here and there. Lack of sleep is never a good thing for me. It was affecting my work which resulted in me crying twice in one day because of emails I received. I wasn’t getting yelled at, but I was simply so sleep-deprived that it was making me over emotional.
I’m not going to write an entire post about the election. It’s not because I’m ashamed to scream from the rooftops that BIDEN/HARRIS WON, but I think I’m just not emotionally prepared to really take it on yet. Maybe as we get closer to inauguration and we’re 110% sure that the evil man is leaving I’ll write something, but as of right now, I’m just not there yet.
I will simply say, that when the news broke… I was in the shower. I will never forget that I was in the shower when history was made.
But my frustration this week was real. I was finding comfort in food, which is never a good thing. I was so frustrated that I wanted to pull my hair out. I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath most days. Now, yes, some of that was simply a result of watching nothing but the news for 4 days straight, but a bigger part was because I wasn’t sleeping.
Sleep has alluded me a lot over the last 8 months. I’ve gone weeks where I only have nights of tossing and turning to then crash for 3 days. My anxiety has been so high since March that sleep just hasn’t been easy. When I don’t sleep, my emotions are all over the place as sleeping is the absolute best way to reset everything. Even when I’m completely exhausted and falling asleep on the couch, moving into the bedroom to try and sleep erases all of that and I’m back to square one.
You might say, “Danielle, why not try sleeping pills or melatonin?” Well, I have a simple answer for you: they don’t work for me. I used to take sleeping pills years ago, but I never liked the way I felt the next morning. I always felt hungover which is never fun (especially when you haven’t been drinking). As for melatonin, I tried it earlier in the year but it actually kept me awake and made it very difficult for me to fall asleep.
No, when I can’t sleep I need to get to the root problem as to what’s keeping me from sleeping. I need to find the psychological reason behind it. Sometimes I can figure this out simply by popping open my journal and writing, but then that brings up the whole “if I turn on the lights to write this out, the light will wake me up.” Instead I toss and turn (sometimes talking to myself) which just leaves me more frustrated. In case you never knew, tossing and turning will never actually help you sleep. If anything, it’s going to keep you awake much longer.
Someone a few months ago suggested to me that I should get out of bed and distract myself when I can’t sleep. I’ve never actually tried this and maybe I should. Clearly staying in bed and cursing the universe because I’m not sleeping isn’t the way to go. I think what happens is that I’ll be so tired that I’ll assume sleep will come easy. I figure I can just lay down and BOOM be asleep the minute my head hits the pillow. Unfortunately, that’s the time for my brain to play and if I don’t let my brain do something else to get it’s thoughts and feelings out, it goes into overdrive as soon as I lay down.
I have 2 posters opposite my bed. One days inhale and the other exhale. I strategically put them there so that while I’m in bed I’m constantly reminded to breathe and relax. Breathe in and exhale whatever you’re holding onto. Let it leave you. Let yourself relax. It’s ok to allow yourself a respite and to calm down once in a while. Yes, sleep isn’t always easy, but the more we allow ourselves to breathe throughout the day, then maybe… just maybe… we can truly rest at night.
- Danielle
