Dear Alexander…

I’ve had this draft sitting here since March. I couldn’t find the words to say I wanted to, and I’m not sure I can now either. 2022 marks 5 years since my miscarriage. Not only is my life unrecognizable from what it was 5 years ago, but I’m a completely different person. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t wonder “what if” and think about what my life might be if I had never lost Alexander. I certainly wouldn’t be living in New York nor would I have the friends that I do. Often times I feel as if there is an alternate reality version of me that is living a completely different life with a 4 year old running around. The thought of it is sometimes too much to bear. When I look at my life and the person I’ve become, the people I’ve met, and how much everything has changed, I don’t recognize the person I was 5 years ago. She was a broken shell of a human being barely even living the life that was thrust upon her. The only way I was able to escape that life… was by losing Alexander.